I love my morning routine because it makes me energized and motivated for the tasks of the day ahead, and influences how the rest of my day turns out. Indeed, a big part of my morning routine is about its transforming impact on my thoughts, moods, and overall energy level.  This routine provides me the happy and energized feeling to communicate well and plan strategically while avoiding errors in judgment during the day.

I believe that the well-informed choices that we make during the first hour or so after waking up helps to ground us and set the tone for the rest of our day. We focus on the brighter side of the day ahead, rather than the challenges. It motivates us to achieve a positive mindset to tackle the challenges, achieve our goals, and increase our effectiveness and productivity.

Oftentimes I have seen that people do not focus on creating a positive morning routine. They’re reluctant to do so because of habit, lack of willpower, or simply out of inertia or laziness. In some cases, people do not even have the intention of modifying their routine.  This is simply wrong. Without good intentions and motivation, we cannot achieve much. We need to take ownership of our behavior and choices particularly if it impacts our wellbeing. Importantly, we need to be honest with ourselves because our choices impact our overall wellbeing. We need to take responsibility and put in an effort so that we can maximize our productivity. I think the best way to deal with this is to motivate ourselves to get started on something today, divvy it up into the smallest possible units of progress and act on them one at a time. This way we can make incremental changes in our lifestyle. An important consideration in this respect is a positive morning routine.

For a sound morning routine, we need to focus on our nighttime sleep. I firmly believe that there is a strong connection between the two. A lack of adequate sleep can contribute to weight gain, put us at a higher risk of serious diseases such as diabetes and heart disease, and even makes us less resistant to the common cold. Not sleeping properly results in an energy deficit from not being fully rested and recharged.  In my case, I pay special attention to creating a sound environment to sleep well. I remove my smartphone from my immediate surroundings or put it on “silent” mode while I’m asleep. Before falling asleep, I reflect on the day that has passed and the coming day. I read. I make sure I am well hydrated. And I plan my goals for the day ahead. I particularly avoid social media or anything negatively stimulating. All of this helps me sleep soundly when I want to.

I strongly feel if we make these changes, we can provide ourselves with small wins which are highly motivated when we wake up. This helps us focus on crafting a positive morning routine. This routine could be a combination of any of the following activities: showering, meditating, having a healthy breakfast, exercise or simply going for a run outside the house, writing down three things we’re grateful for, reading, and making mindful notes etc. This list is naturally not exhaustive.

A friend of mine recently shared her favorite morning activity. She enjoys tidying up her home. I appreciate her idea because putting our home in order can be a great path to self-discovery. When we finish putting our house in order, we can gain a sense of achievement and gain new perspectives. We could end up focusing on overall self-improvement and being more mindful in our choices. In Japan, people believe that activities, like cleaning your home and keeping your bathroom spick and span, brings good luck.  It may have more than a kernel of truth. Having a clean environment can guide us in creating order in other dimensions of our life, and becoming a more organized and effective person. We can gain self-awareness and get to know ourselves better.

Similarly, early morning exercise and meditation have significant health benefits. They are a complete game-changer. Research suggests that morning exercise improves sleep, a benefit that could also help weight loss. The fact is people who work out in the morning may stick to their exercise routine more as compared to those who exercise later in the day. In the same vein, a cup of freshly brewed coffee boosts early morning productivity. Furthermore, there’s a strong case for the health benefits of morning coffee. Studies have demonstrated that regular coffee drinkers have a lower risk of diabetes, fewer strokes and heart problems, and lower rates of certain cancers. All of that may help explain why coffee drinkers tend to live longer compared to people who don’t drink the brew.

There is no doubt that positive early morning choices can make our day more invigorating. We need to keep in mind that these choices are our own and are typically self-taught. Importantly, this represents conscious effort, a dawning or realization, taking ownership, and constantly reminding ourselves to do the right things. By doing this we can also avoid negative choices that can sabotage us. These conscious positive choices can permeate to other aspects of our lives, including work and family. In addition, it helps us identify our core values, develop our passions, and make the right life decisions.

We should commit to “creating” our mornings in a mold that makes us feel happy, and be grateful and motivated. This way we will be able to develop the confidence, self-assurance and focus to accomplish our goals enthusiastically. If we’re going to start a positive morning routine, now is the time to start and stick with it. Trust me!

The post Our Morning Routines Determine the Rest of Our Day – and Life appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

“No, I need to lose some weight.”

I wonder why accepting a genuine compliment is so difficult for women nowadays? Why can’t they just say, “Thank you, so sweet of you”, and reciprocate the compliment? Instead, their usual response is blushing, looking away, losing the ability to articulate their thoughts or shaking their head in disagreement, even where there is a genuine intention behind the compliment. I remember that I have acted similarly myself. It happened when I responded to compliments by saying “not really” or “I don’t think so”. In response, my dear friend suggested that I just take the compliment for what it is. Since then, I have taken such compliments at face value and responded to them affirmatively.

I do this because I don’t want to give another person the perception that I do not believe what they are saying. In addition, I want to respond positively about a sentiment being expressed that I should feel positive about rather than denying it, because I think it’s a good opportunity for me to begin a new relationship.

For me, it is unquestionably positive when another woman tells me something nice about myself. It’s usually an attempt at female bonding. When women compliment other women about their appearance or choice in attire, the subliminal message is, ‘I am not going to hurt you, I want you to know that I like you, and I want to feel a little closer to you’.

When we think in that way, it might be a little easier to open up rather than shut the interaction down. Therefore, I do not think that it is wise for women not to accept compliments wholeheartedly.

The fact is that many women are rejecting sincerely delivered compliments often times unintentionally. There are all kinds of reasons; women may perceive themselves differently from how others perceive them. They may have an innate sense of humility, a sense of inadequacy, they simply may not want to make waves, or are afraid of attracting jealousy or attention to themselves.

Furthermore, I see that popular culture in many societies subliminally expects women to be modest and self-effacing. It means that our society has expectations that women should be careful in terms of how they communicate or respond, being deferential, respectful and polite, so that they can fit in. Unfortunately, this leads to repressed emotions where women can’t get over a gnawing negative feeling and it’s stuck in their mind. As a reaction, they want to compete with, compare, undermine and undercut one another.

A close friend of mine once told me that it was difficult to express true feelings or be our own self in front of others because there always was some degree of expectation. In the same vein, if a woman is not smiling, they may get queries like “are you okay” or “what’s wrong”.

All of this leads me to conclude that women cannot be honest and authentic about their true feelings or emotions for fear of being judged adversely by others. They are always vying to please and meet expectations. Social psychologists have suggested that women with low self-esteem are more likely to not accept the compliment because it is inconsistent with their concept of self-worth and they find it threatening. On the other hand, women with average or higher self-esteem may tend to reject compliments because they want to be seen as modest and self-effacing.

This explains that while women may have made a lot of strides in recent decades, the expectations from women have also increased multi-fold. Unfortunately, this means women downplay their achievements for the sake of their friends’ feelings. Societal expectations for female behaviour traditionally, and enduringly, value modesty and collaboration. More than men, women tend to want to appear relatable. At the end, they are focused on the need to fit into a social universe.

I think before it’s too late, women need to change this outdated mindset, which has only impacted their confidence and takes away their power to express who they truly are. Women have to believe that they’re worth it and deserve their success, while maintaining balance and trying not to let societal pressure impact them too much. For me, worrying about what other people think about you is a key indicator that you do not feel whole without the approval of others. It’s an addictive cycle that turns you away from yourself.

We should stop being obsessed with whether or not other people like us. Instead, women should be truly content with who they are. Not only should they acknowledge and welcome that self-affirming feeling with open arms and heart, but the most essential point is that they should accept the compliment unconditionally. Compliments are meant to be accepted, not watered-down by fear-infested comebacks. After all, if someone praises our beauty, achievements or effort, we should wholesomely own it because we deserve it. A 2012 study by Japanese researchers suggested that compliments help people to learn and perform new skills. The same researchers equated receiving compliments with receiving cash; both light up the reward system of our brain, the striatum.

To conclude, we should feel free to celebrate, be comfortable with, and proud of who we are and what we have accomplished and never succumb to self-doubt when given compliments. A compliment is a gift, and a true gift is offered without strings attached. It starts the conversation. In addition, we should reciprocate others’ kind words and gestures because kindness is in giving and that is what we should do in our life.

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“Yes mom, I did,” she said. “In fact, I raise my hand all the time now, even when I am not sure if I have the right answer.”

I can’t describe how proud I am that my daughter raises her hand to speak up. Not being sure of the answer is fine by me, as long as she takes a risk and tries anyway. On the contrary, I would be a little upset if she would not engage and assert herself, instead choosing to stay silent in the background.

My daughter has this positive habit because I have always encouraged her to participate. I encourage her overtly as well as subliminally, by always listening to her and by acknowledging her ideas, thoughts and feelings, rather than smothering them. I also do this because I want to teach my daughter the very important lesson that boys and girls are equal, and should thus be treated equally.

It is unfortunately rather common for girls to struggle to speak up because they are afraid of having the “wrong” answer, and hence not being perfect. Or maybe they think they should stay silent because boys have already cornered the teacher’s attention, and they worry they might not be able to get it as well. In some cases, girls keep to themselves because they are anxious about their grades, their appearance or being judged. Self-doubt can seep in through subliminal and overt messages from parents, teachers, peers, popular culture, as well as the media. These are messages that communicate to them to toe the line, be respectful and always avoid the risk of failure. For me, the most common instance is when parents are likely to reward sons for accomplishments or risk-taking, while urging daughters to be careful and cautious.

I deeply fault this unfortunately typical style of parenting, particularly in our eastern culture. Boys and girls are not treated equally. What do boys have that girls don’t? Parents think girls can’t play football, cricket or other types of risky sports, because they will get hurt or lose their sense of etiquette or their grace. Parents are more protective of their daughters and more permissive with their sons. Boys may be permitted to work outside the home at an earlier age than girls, thus providing them with a sense of self-reliance and independence. Girls do more housework than boys, sending the message that the home is a woman’s domain. Fathers are more encouraging to their sons about participating in competitive sports than they are to their daughters. Similarly, boys may get to use the family car more often and earlier than girls, thus granting them greater independence. This demonstrates how differentiated parental behaviour can be based on gender-specific notions.

I think we need to challenge our deep-rooted cultural norms. When boys fail, they take it in stride – attributing their failure to a lack of effort – and parents tend to take it in stride as well. When girls have a similar outcome, they see themselves as sloppy, and come to believe it reflects a lack of skill. Girls are encouraged not to be loud and outspoken, but with boys, the same traits are not considered a problem. Society needs to judge girls by the same standards afforded to boys. Both boys and girls deserve similar choices and opportunities for enrichment. The reason I’m saying this is because if a girl is taught to be cautious and careful from a young age, it becomes a lifelong pattern and reinforces fear and the idea that women should be shy of certain tasks which men should feel good tackling head on.

In my view, most girls are scared or shy because the adults in their lives consciously or unconsciously teach them to act a certain way, possibly out of a sense of misplaced protectiveness. Research shows girls are taught to play it safe instead of facing their fears. It demonstrates that parents are prioritising acting on their fears over facts. In other words, parents are prioritising their own psychological needs above those of their girls.

I witnessed this first-hand in a recent conversation with a friend, who admitted she cautioned her daughter much more than she did her son. Encouraging fearlessness does not in any way imply encouraging reckless behaviour. An ability to judge situations fraught with risks and dangers and to navigate them intelligently is critical for both girls and boys.

The fact is girls need to take calculated risks like boys, so they can build up their confidence and emotional resilience. This comes when we encourage our girls to play challenging sports, just like boys do. I strongly believe this, which is why I am doing the same with my own daughter as well. By playing competitive sports, girls learn what it’s like to compete, win, or lose, and that prepares them for the assertive, competitive world of the workplace. Many studies have shown that physical activity – sports, hiking, playing outdoors – is tied to a girl’s self-esteem. And yet girls are often warned from doing anything involving a hint of risk.

Another friend of mine shared her own experience. At an early age, she was constantly told by her mother to be careful, polite and obedient. This feedback impacted her greatly later in life.

This reveals that we as parents should always think before we speak, because our words, and the way we say them, impacts our kids in a positive or negative manner. We must encourage positive risk-taking behaviour so that our girls, as well as our boys, can build their confidence and make courageous choices. More importantly, girls need to learn to state their views with conviction. I’m saying this because when girls learn to take risks, they not only tend to perform better in school and overall in life, they are also more likely to stand up to negative peer pressure, verbalise their feelings to their friends and family, and solve daily life problems on their own. Most importantly, they also grow into well-rounded, assertive and confident adults.

Finally, one thing we all should teach is to encourage our daughters to raise their hand more, regardless of their response being right or wrong. Nobody is telling them to be perfect; only fearless. As Sheryl Sandberg would say, by doing so, we simply help girls become women who know when to “lean in” and claim their seat at the table, which they rightfully deserve.

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“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”

I’m glad my friend was confident enough to share this experience that had such a lasting impact on her. But I’m not surprised at all, since I have heard similar stories countless times. I have heard them from close friends, neighbours, relatives, and some of my acquaintances as well.

The truth is that I myself – unintentionally – say similar things to my children, which I come to regret later. This is in situations when my children are misbehaving or disturbing me while I’m in the middle of errands, and when I lose my patience and get frustrated. This occurs many times, and it’s hard to control, but I do view this style of parenting as negative.

I have learned if we constantly compare our children, they have a diminished sense of individuality, and ultimately come to believe they are worthless.

I have seen many parents do this, because they feel that by extolling the positive characteristics of a sibling (or other children) to their ‘errant’ or ‘weak’ kid, the child will improve. But this does not happen.

Instead, it generates more conflict and unhealthy competition. Studies suggest children who experience this kind of comparison experience low self-esteem.

It is normal for children to make mistakes, because it is an integral part of a child’s learning and growth process. Our children mess up; they lie, they are sneaky, they don’t listen, and they know how to push all the wrong buttons. But as parents, it is our job to guide them and be there for them, rather than adopt a ‘stream of consciousness’ style of parenting. We should not react to our kids’ misbehaviour or flaws with a litany of typical parental phrases. These are unproductive from the perspective of children, and must be avoided.

As my friend shared her experience, her mother’s comments and negative attitude is still stuck in her mind, and refuses to go away. This affects her relationship with her sister, even now as an adult, as both sisters do not know how to really be there for each other.

Parents need to understand that fostering sibling rivalry can be damaging to their personality, and if it persists, can impact their relationship later in life. I think what best works is avoiding negative language, which is essentially what is harmful to our children’s spirit and their emotional health. Ultimately, such parental actions are reflexive – a way to cope with the frustration.

On the contrary, we should focus on creating an environment promoting compassion and respect in the family, without criticism or judgment. According to a study, kids who have siblings have a better understanding of how to deal with social situations, which helps them when it comes to sustaining relationships as they get older. Because they can handle their brother or sister, they are more likely to understand how to best handle a partner later in life.

Similarly, we need to provide children the right set of values, guidelines and opportunities so they can express their feelings, emotions, thoughts, and creativity in a safe environment. This is essential because our children imitate what they see and hear, particularly from their parents. We need to teach them communication skills, so they express themselves in a respectful way.

This is possible when we assess our own behaviour and express ourselves calmly, thereby providing a safe environment in which they can learn things. For example, whenever I am in the middle of a chaotic situation, I try to think about what I’m saying and doing as a reaction to my children doing something. If required, I take a time out by taking a deep breath to calm myself, or by standing back and waiting for them to comprehend things at their own pace, in their own way, without my intervention.

Here are some tips I try to include in my parenting, so I can replace habitual and reflexive negative comments with phrases encouraging intrinsic motivation and the emotional growth of my kids. In case my kids are making mistakes, I calmly tell them to try harder. I feel if I encourage my kids to work harder, they will improve eventually, while also feeling proud of their own progress.

Similarly, if my kid scrapes their knee and bursts into tears, I offer a hug and acknowledge their pain. I then ask whether they would like a Band-Aid. When my kids demand expensive toys or video games, rather than saying no outright, I explain I cannot buy it for them because I’m saving money for more important things. If they insist on discussing it further, I have a perfect window to start a conversation about how to budget and manage money. We should take all necessary measures to do what needs to be done. If the situation requires, I promote non-competitive activities as well so kids can play together and relate to each other.

Studies on improving sibling relationships show children have better relationships when they share activities they both enjoy. The problem is that sometimes it can be tough to identify these activities if there is an age or interest gap. If parents pay attention, they can usually suggest something that will interest both children.

I believe parenting is an art we all need to learn as we go along nurturing our kids. There is no hard and fast rule to raising children. What will work in our home depends on our family, our child’s unique personality, the circumstances we are in, and the luck or challenges that come our way. But by consistently imparting our values, love and wisdom, our children will turn out right.

Let’s all work as collaborators in this effort to provide a safe environment for our children so they grow to be confident, self-reliant and positive individuals. For this, we should all choose the right and kind words so our kids can express what they want and how they feel. Hearing and respecting their feelings and allowing positive choices, while setting fair and clear limits, is the healthy balance we should strive for.

I’m saying this because for me, being respectful and displaying caring behaviour in our own interactions can make all the difference. It is appropriate to clarify by quoting what Maya Angelou once said,

“The birth of my son caused me to develop enough courage to invent my life. I learned how love my son without wanting to possess him and I learned how to teach him to teach himself.”

The post Pitting sibling against sibling will only fail you as a parent appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

Yes, these are the bright, articulate young people who want to advocate for gun control measures to protect schools and students in the wake of the tragic events at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.

I have never seen such a thing before, where young kids are fueling the movement, standing up for their right to be safe, and marching and organizing for justice. Kids are raising their voice in concerted protest: “the NRA has got to go”, “not one more”, “enough is enough”, or “you’re either with us or against us”. They are reacting because they think that the adults who have the responsibility to take care for these things have failed and it’s their generation’s responsibility. As one the students said, “we definitely have a moral obligation to do something, considering that so many innocent people that we know have been killed”.

For once, I’m hoping to witness a change. Maybe these protests can bring some action from Congress to do the right thing such as passing common-sense gun laws. Yet it is not at all clear whether any gun control measures will be implemented anytime soon.

It makes me sad to see that these protests have generated a reaction from conservative groups with the grieving students being portrayed as pawns and conspiracists. This is a common phenomenon the world over. I remember a similar situation in Pakistan where I saw this with Malala in the recent past. When she stood up for education against the Taliban and survived a bullet shot, she was accused by some of her countrymen of being a performer planted by the West with all kinds of conspiracy theories attributed to her. Similarly, in the US right wing extremist groups are targeting students who have called for stronger gun control measures. They are the subject of conspiracy theories that have spread far and wide, reaching cable news and social media. The assertion that the students are paid “crisis actors” has gained the most velocity online, trending on YouTube and, at one point, racking up tens of thousands of shares on Facebook. Alternatively, they are called FBI implants, purportedly defending the bureau for its failure to apprehend the Florida shooter before the event. They have even been portrayed as puppets being coached and manipulated by the Democratic party.

I find this whole situation bizarre. Why are some extremist groups unnecessarily targeting victims of these tragedies? They’re protesting because their generation has little faith in institutions which have failed to provide basic security and accountability. They are the school shooting victim generation. That is why they are coordinating school walkouts, social media awareness movements, peaceful protests, and a call for solidarity. They or their peers have buried their own best friends, and they see how commonplace these murders have become, and they know that politicians have nothing to offer but their “thoughts” and “prayers” while doing nothing.

In the big picture, I can understand that the Second Amendment is unimpeachable. It guarantees the right of citizens to defend themselves but Republicans can make a few changes and implement some common-sense safety measures.

But unfortunately, they have no intention to do so. That reflects their lack of political will. Can I tell you why? The fact is that Republicans control both houses of Congress and most state legislatures. To get anything passed, it would be necessary for Republicans to deviate from some of the absolutist NRA positions. This will require to take out money from politics, have publicly funded elections, and make sure special interests like the NRA no longer has a chokehold on gun policy in Congress. I believe that the NRA is not about people defending themselves, it’s about selling guns. The more the better, with citizenry as collateral damage.

It saddens me that a progressive country like the US is so out of touch with sane reasoning regarding the ownership of firearms. There are more than 1.5 million Americans who have died as result of guns in the last 49 years, according to the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

It is a scary environment where I and many parents like me are concerned for our children’s safety. We are not happy when Republicans preach hardening schools and arming teachers etc. For me it’s an absurd and dangerous idea. Has anyone considered or studied the impact on children of going to schools protected by guns and security guards? When I talk to many parents, they simply reject these ideas. They do not think it is healthy for children. On the contrary they think it is a bad choice to expose children to weaponry and instill a culture of fear in schools. What about the scary possibility that a teacher ends up using a firearm in the classroom unintentionally while disciplining kids. For me teachers are not the kind of people from whom we can expect or demand this kind of expertise. Highly trained police officers frequently miss their targets, even at close range, in the heat of the moment. Having armed civilians at a shooting scene would just make the police’s job even harder. We need to understand that school teachers do not choose their line of work to become cops. Just like hospitals have to remain places of healing, and churches, mosques and synagogues as places of worship, schools have to remain places of teaching and learning. Guns don’t belong in any of these places. If we are forced into a situation where our teachers have to carry guns then we have failed as a society.

I think what would work best is if we ban the possession of semiautomatic weapons and pass common-sense legislation on background checks and mental illness. I’m saying this because it is high time for us to take some action by leveraging the students’ protest movement.

Lawmakers in Washington are facing intense public pressure to break their decades-long gridlock on gun control. A poll released by Quinnipiac shows that 66% of Americans now favor stricter gun control laws – the highest recorded by Quinnipiac since it started polling the issue after the Sandy Hook massacre in 2012. Another poll released by CNN showed support for stricter gun laws at levels not seen since the early 1990s. It found that 71% of Americans backed barring those under 21 from buying any type of firearm. Similarly, I can see several companies, banks and large retailers such as Dick’s, and Walmart taking steps to limit their sales of firearms.

This is, in part, due to the inspiring energy of today’s youth who are demanding change.  It gives me hope where my hope was fading. It is time for all of us to stand up against guns. It’s time we think big. We must treat gun violence in this country as a public health crisis. It is our moral responsibility to act for one mission: that no one will ever be murdered in school again. Let’s make America safe again.

The post It’s a challenge to make America safe again appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

I am so heartened that the media decided to produce the TV drama ‘Baggi’ to address this complex social issue directly. It covers the true story of the late Qandeel Balouch who was brutally strangled to death by her brother in an honor killing. The drama’s cast includes luminaries like Irfan Khoosat, Ali Kazmi, Osman Khalid Butt, Nadia Afghan, and Sarmad Khossat, with Saba Qamar playing the leading role.

While the drama will not result in a sea change in our culture, it is a laudable initiative to raise awareness about the hypocrisy pervasive in our society that lies at the heart of conflating the oxymoronic notions of ‘honor’ and ‘killing’. Such an evocative drama has the potential to propel an evolution in societal norms and values, forcing us to critically question such benighted notions that are taken for granted particularly among the more tradition-bound and conservative elements in society. It also airs the issue without bringing it in the sphere of partisan politics.

I’m not in favor of inserting this issue in the realm of politics. This is because when such issues get embroiled in the murky waters of partisan politics, they typically fail to impact society or spur a change in attitudes. Witness the case of Ayesha Gululai Wazir, a member of parliament from PTI. When she brought her harassment case against her party’s leader, Imran Khan, to the fore in a political context, she was threatened with having acid thrown at her face and her home burned down. She was called immoral and the kind of woman who sells herself for 24 hours. When she threatened to share the lewd messages she claimed Imran Khan sent her she was accused of playing political games. Never mind that she herself is a politician. When such issues get embroiled in partisan politics, they never elicit the appropriate societal response.

On the other hand, when the conversation is conducted through the medium of the arts, we learn from others’ vantage point and try to balance their needs against ours. The medium allows us to not only necessarily feel good but sometimes express fear, distress, or injustice. It is a method of story-telling, something that is innate in human beings through the ages, and necessary for societies to retain their identities. In addition, the empathy that we feel from drama is key to our normal moral development. If we never felt fear or distress, how could we empathize with the fear or distress of others? I personally feel that this is the power of art. We can feel something and empathize with it at a very deep level, and we don’t have to put words to it. That’s exactly what I felt about Qandeel after watching her recent play.

I see Qandeel’s story as incredibly complex with multiple layers that we need to dig into for it to unfold. There were innumerable obstacles, mistakes, self-doubts, and setbacks along her way. The drama Baagi explores the inside story that no one knew before. While some of Qandeel’s decisions dramatized in Baagi were morally questionable, it is impossible to comprehend the background of those decisions. But after watching the drama, it gets somewhat easier to connect the dots and peer into her dark past to understand the obstacles she faced in the form of constant harassment, rejection, and bullying. Meanwhile, she desperately wanted to stand up on her feet and overcome the many predators around her who consistently restrained her from moving forward.

It was fun watching her early childhood experiences when she used to watch television shows and got interested in show business. I was struck by one scene in the drama where her sister was being physically abused by her brother-in-law. Qandeel told her sister that she should not tolerate this toxic behavior because what her husband was doing was wrong. I found it a powerful stance, particularly for a young girl from an underprivileged background. It provided me with the sense that she strongly felt women should stand up for themselves. Although she got married early and had a son, the marriage didn’t last long as she fled from her violent husband. She dreamt big and wanted to live an extraordinary life as a star.

However, her struggles were only beginning and she was facing all manner of challenges. It was difficult for her to fit in the showbiz world, and get decent opportunities. What meager opportunities came her way, society would not do her justice because she was an ordinary girl. Society closed virtually all the doors for her. The only door left open was social media where she freely and independently expressed herself and developed an identity. She used her sexuality in a way to empower herself. She danced, she stripped, she was loved, and she was hated. I recalled another clip when she publicly asked the Mullah to get her a date with the famous cricketer and politician, Imran Khan. She was mocking our society’s hypocrisy and she used her spunk and guts to hold up a mirror to society.

When she targeted the Mullah and other politicians, her profile skyrocketed and she was on television shows across the land. I remember when she posted provocative pictures of herself on social media. On a personal level, I would disagree with that action of Qandeel. She shouldn’t have done so because dressing up publicly in a provocative manner sent the wrong message and attracted the wrong type of crowd. Maybe it would have been best for her if she would have avoided such actions. But as I learned from her play she was reluctant to lead her life without making waves and having an impact.  We can also infer from her story that the choices that she made in life did not necessarily reflect what she truly loved but were a consequence of the constrained set of options she faced.

Therefore, I will not judge her for that action because no one could read her mind or comprehend her unique circumstances. However, what happened by this action was that she was constantly facing all kinds of negative reaction from all directions. Some of her followers said that she pushed the envelope too much, while others said that what she was doing was offensive and not acceptable in our culture. There was a drumbeat of criticism from every side. This kind of negative reaction never stopped and made her life a pressure cooker. And it ended up with society taking her life. Yes, she was killed by her own brother, in her own family’s home, in a so-called honor killing. According to her brother she brought shame to her family. Many people felt that way. They felt that she had no right to live because she was errant and deviant, and continuously misbehaving and not following traditional norms. However, they are ignoring her realities about her hardship, and her struggle in supporting her impoverished family.

What does it say about our society when so many men are condoned for acting like horrendous predators, while a spunky woman who uses her sexuality to make a bigger point of objecting about her condition and the constant humiliation and abuse she faces is victimized and made to pay the ultimate price.

It is sad that Pakistan is perceived as a country of tradition-bound conservatives who subjugate women. In addition, it is perceived as a society with double standards. Qandeel had the courage to expose those double standards. It’s as if a woman who speaks up risks losing her standing, or at the very least being labeled a whiner who didn’t know how to play the game. This is why many hate and dehumanize her. Qandeel was the victim of a moral policing brigade, who dictate the way women and girls should appear and behave. I think Qandeel’s story showcases stunning hypocrisy in our treatment of women particularly from the lower classes who have no ability to exercise the freedom of choice and the ability to live with even minimal comforts.

I value and appreciate the role of our media who have brought this subject to the fore to create awareness about the abject mistreatment of women from the lower and middle classes in our society. I’m hoping this positive initiative through the medium of drama will have positive reverberations and bring a measure of change in society. It is an important subject in this new era where more women around the world are sharing their stories and being heard and are making an impact. This has never happened before, but, as they say, the arc of history is long but always bends towards justice. As the popular scholar Bacha Khan said; “If you want to know how civilized a culture is, look at how they treat their women”. They should be judged by the same standards as men are afforded in general. I say that because there is virtually no margin afforded

The post The drama ‘Baggi’ is improving sentiment in society appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

_{However this is somehow not the case in the Shariq Jumani tragedy. Shariq, a 19 year old Columbia University student from Pakistan, was recently struck by a fast-moving car which barreled into him when he was crossing the street on a pedestrian cross-walk in the Riverside Drive area of Manhattan. The driver, who had a thrice suspended driver’s license, fled from the scene after the accident. Shariq was immediately rushed to nearby St. Luke’s hospital where it was discovered that he had severe brain trauma, fractured bones in both his legs, and suffered severe internal abdominal bleeding. He has had to undergo multiple surgeries and faces many years of ongoing treatment and medical care.} 

_{Shariq Jumani is a precocious young man, motivated to make a difference. He studied at Karachi Grammar School, from where he made his way to Columbia University, which he attends on the prestigious Science Research fellowship, awarded to only 20 of Columbia’s most promising science students annually. He was recently awarded a research position for this summer at Columbia University Medical Center to conduct cancer research under the associate director of the center’s cancer division. His professors, friends, and family describe him as uniquely ambitious, intelligent, and multifariously talented. He is incredibly caring, always wanting to lend a hand to everyone who is lucky enough to know him. He is joyful and lively and hilariously sarcastic, and would bring a smile to everyone’s face.}

_{Shariq’s tragedy is gut-wrenching. It rips away his present as well as tears apart hopes for his future. His friends and family have mobilized efforts on social media to raise funds to defray the considerable costs of his medical treatment. The incident reminds me of how someone’s life, perfectly normal and full of aspirations at one moment, can be completely upturned in the next. It was the horrific accident that maybe anyone could experience on account of someone else’s mistake or wrongful action. We leave the house believing that we will return safely, never thinking that something seriously bad could happen to us. In fact, it forces me to think that at times there is no perfect place to walk, to live, or perfect life that we should look for. At times we have to live and endure some form of what the famous author Sheryl Sandburg calls ‘Option B’. For me Option B is the second chance or the life we choose after a painful experience that helps us build resilience and find meaning in the face of adversity.} 

_{It is normal and commonplace to make mistakes in our everyday life. But we often forget that some of our small mistakes or negligence can have serious consequences. We turn our heads for a split second on the playground at just the moment our child falls. We change lanes and hit the car in our blind spot. We get rejections due to our misjudgments. We make big mistakes too – errors of judgment, failures to follow through on commitments, lapses of integrity. None of us can change what we have already done. What’s done is done.} 

_{The truth is that when life throws us nasty curveballs it typically doesn’t make any sense to us, and our natural emotional reaction might be to get extremely upset and scream obscenities at the top of our lungs.  What helps is if we simply let go and have complete faith that every difficult moment in our lives is accompanied by an opportunity. As Helen Keller put it, “when one door of happiness closes, another opens; often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us”.} 

_{I hope it happens in Shariq’s case when he recovers from his injury. I pray that he has resilience, and looks at the bright side in order to move forward. For me, resilience leads to better health, greater happiness, and success. It is not a fixed personality trait; in fact, no one is born with a set amount of it. Rather it is a muscle that he can build to continue his mission.}

_{Over the past over two weeks, Shariq has been fighting with life threatening injuries with uncertain recovery prospects. It is going to be long road to him and his immediate family to come out from this traumatic experience. I can imagine that throughout this process his loved ones will be feeling a void and a vast emptiness. However they have no choice but to wake up every day. No choice but to go through the shock, the grief, and the survivor guilt. No choice but to try to move forward.}

_{I’m hoping that Shariq’s darkness will pass, but he will ultimately need to push it away himself. Just like when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again. For this to come to pass, he will need compassion from everyone around him to build his resilience. And resilience has to come from deep inside him, as well as from outside support. Shariq has a long road ahead and I wish him all the best.}

The post Some thoughts on the recent Shariq Jumani tragedy appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

I did just that last year, and while this practice has not totally altered my unhealthy eating behaviors, it has reduced them. I know it’s not easy for most of us, but believe me it’s worth the effort. It helps when we are following a healthy diet routine for 30 days while having iftari (breaking fast) and sehri (pre-sun rise meal prior to commencing the fast). In fact, it helps in that we are making a concerted effort to check ourselves every day. We are imposing discipline on ourselves in the process. We may initially feel that we are more restricted and less happy at some level. However, over time our effort demands lesser and lesser executive control, and we just naturally come to a point where we don’t crave unhealthy food any more. That’s the kind of self-discipline and control that we need to work towards. And we can easily develop that when we inculcate these habits during this whole holy month of Ramazan.

The key is to stop us from making bad eating decisions based on self-gratification, while motivating ourselves to make the smarter choice. It isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible. The simplest way to get better at anything is to practice. And I find that Ramazan is a good time to practice positive behaviors in a way that makes us better and more self-confident. I personally feel that if we can make healthy choices during this month, that’s often enough time to actually change our attitude toward negative food choices, and by the time we get to the end of that month we may not want to revert to our bad habits at all.

The other point is that most people I know are always making excuses for avoiding positive and disciplined behavior. Usually the most common excuses are that they don’t have time, they are stressed out, they’re too lazy to cook healthy, or that planning the meals takes too much time. Particularly in Ramazan the normal excuses people make are that they are feeling tired and drained, as result of which they do not stick with healthy diets but want ‘comfort food’ instead. For me, this is not making the right choice. Some categories of food ingredients that add taste and texture need to be avoided. We need to keep it in mind that most oils including corn, soybean, canola, and sunflower are not good for health because they can cause high cholesterol and clogged arteries, leading to a heart disease. Same goes for sugar, as it increases the risk of diabetes and obesity, and may be a contributing factor to cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.

Our wrong eating choices are naturally not good for our health. We need to change them before these are becoming strong ingrained habits. I think the best way to change them is if we will take ownership of our behavior and become mindful about it. For instance, we need to closely monitor what ingredients we use. We should focus on low-fat, healthy carbs, and less sugar. We can easily prepare healthy and balanced diets if we use nutritious ingredients and smart cooking techniques. For example, we can avoid deep fried food if we can use a nonstick frying-pan in order to fry anything. That way we use less oil. Alternatively, we can simply bake instead of frying. The point is eating right. That can prime our body and brain to be in a focused, happy state, while eating processed unhealthy food will leave us sluggish and prone to a chronic disease.

There are a number of ways to develop healthy eating habits. The best way of choosing to eat healthy is to replace unhealthy ingredients with hearty healthy ones. For example, we can choose a wide variety of healthy food like dates, pistachios, nuts, fresh seasonal vegetables, seasonal fruits, sesame seeds, honey, soups, or lean meat, chicken and grilled fish, but the key is how we prepare them.

Last year, I ‘created’ a recipe of a nutritious soup that I prepared in Ramazan called ‘Harriera’ which I would like to share. This is a hearty lamb and vegetable soup from Morocco that is traditionally eaten during the month of Ramazan, after sundown to break the day’s fast.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup of dried boil chickpeas
• 500 grams of boned shoulder of lamb or chicken
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 large fresh onion (finely chopped)
• 1 teaspoon fresh ground ginger and garlic paste
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon ground red chili powder
• ½ teaspoon ground coriander powder
• ½ teaspoon turmeric powder
• ½ cup finely chopped fresh parsley
• 6 medium fresh tomatoes pureed
• ½ cup whole brown lentils
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 5 cups of water
• ½ cup loosely packed, coarsely chopped fresh coriander leaves
• – Place chickpeas in small bowl, cover with water; soak overnight, drain
• – Trim lamb or chicken of excess fat; cut into 2 cm cubes
• – Heat oil in large saucepan; cook onion, garlic ginger paste, turmeric powder, red chili, ground coriander powder, ground cinnamon, ground cumin, salt, stirring, until soft. Add lamb or chicken and parsley; cook, stirring about two minutes or until lamb is coated in spice moisture. Add tomato puree; cook, stirring, about 10 minutes.
•  – Stir in the water and add chickpeas and lentils; bring to a boil. Simmer, covered, about 1 hour or until lamb, chick piece and lentils are tender, stirring occasionally.
• – Just before serving, stir fresh coriander into soup.

It is healthy and delicious; we can serve with lemon wedges.

This is nutritious soup and the best part of this soup is that it’s a quick, hot filling meal that offers plenty of health benefits. The herb parsley that I have in my soup’s recipe is originally from the Mediterranean region. It is a good source of minerals like potassium, calcium, manganese, iron and rich in many antioxidant vitamins that is great for the eyes, is an immunity booster, prevents menstruation disorders, and aids in digestion.

Finally, I would recommend getting the maximum benefit while following the diet for the whole month with devotion and practice. The goal is to relearn how to make smarter choice over negative ones. We should remember that the unpleasant part of the diet is temporary, and I feel we can easily tolerate it as we’re fasting most of the day. The best part is that the benefits of this new behavior will continue long after the month is over. I would suggest that we all experience it like I have; I predict that it will help to a healthy life and longevity.

Shaziah Zuberi is a fashion designer and mom of teenage twins. She is passionate about blogging about a variety of contemporary subjects inspired by her thoughts and passions. She is based in Washington DC. Her twitter handle is @ShaziahZ.

The post Eating healthy to steer clear of chronic diseases this Ramazan appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

What does one mean by sincere and genuine friendships? 

These are the friends that you call at 2am when everything comes crashing down. These are the friends that love you at your worst; the friends that make you laugh until your stomach hurts; these are the friends that never leave. But most people will agree with me when I say that it is challenging to nurture and sustain such relationships in today’s fast-paced world. One of the main reasons behind this is that when we are younger, it is easier to build strong bonds because we are surrounded by people who are also searching for meaningful connections. But as we venture into adulthood, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain friendships and develop new ones because we get so caught up with our careers, starting new lives and our families.

I believe people are increasingly turning towards social media to fill the void of meaningful connections. In today’s virtual world, they ‘connect’ with ‘friends’ on social networking sites such as Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat.

These websites are a convenient medium for individuals because they do not require time and effort. And we all know how lazy our generation is; we prefer to sit behind a screen and tell ourselves that a like or comment on Facebook is an active way of creating connections, when in fact, it isn’t active or sociable at all. Honestly, these are just meaningless relationships and such casual connectivity in an electronic setting does not make up for deep and meaningful relationships.

However, I am not questioning the importance of social media and its power to bring people together. It has the ability to enable us to access and share more ideas and information than ever before and mobilise our thoughts and opinions. But we cannot and must not ignore that it can adversely impact the quality of our relationships as well.

A recent study found that people regularly un-friend their social media friends if they perceive their posts or comments as offensive or derogatory. In some cases, friends on social media use this medium to advance their agendas, spread news, or simply to promote themselves. Therefore, the negative effects associated with social media cannot be disregarded either. Instead of indulging in productive activities, people are spending more time at home with their electronic devices, surfing through activities of their so-called perfect friends on social media. Our new friends are our screens; it’s so rare to actually pick up a phone and call someone, even more so, actually meet with them face to face and have a conversation that is unhindered by a screen.

The problem with networking is that we are not getting consistent results for what we are looking for. To me, it feels like mixing different categories of people, who are all there for different reasons. Everyone is focused on their personal agenda, be it to find a new client, to raise awareness for their business, or connect with someone in the hope of developing a mutually beneficial relationship. Everyone is playing a different game, which is why there are usually no clear winners except for the ones who have a clear agenda.

Surrounding ourselves with real friends isn’t just selfish – it’s healthy. It elevates our mood and reminds us that we can trust those around us without constantly living in fear of being judged.

Similarly, we cannot develop a relationship of quality without healthy disagreements or conflicts. Disagreements are natural, because it is difficult to agree with your friend on every single point. Such friendships develop when friends concentrate on similarities rather than differences in thoughts or opinions. We need to understand that neither we nor our friends are perfect, and this imperfection needs to be respected.

There are so many ways to make real friends; we just need to put in effort that our generation does not like to make. We are selfish, and we believe that everything, even friendship, should be handed to us with a silver spoon. We simply need to set our priorities straight and take out time for our close friends. Instead of being constantly engaged with friends on social media platforms, we should opt for more meaningful activities such as spending time at a cafe, watching a movie together, playing a team sport or going to the gym together.

Let me tell you about my relationship with one of my close friends. We recently figured out a way to take out time from our busy schedules in order to stay connected, so we decided to start our own book club, where we meet once a month to discuss books and writing. It’s extremely productive, because it gives us a great mutual ground and allows us to talk about things of actual substance as opposed to gossiping.

These friendships have a significant impact on our happiness and well-being. We know that socially isolated people tend to be less happy and a considerable lack of social activity has serious impacts on our physical and mental health. The relationships we develop through social media do not fulfil our inner yearning for meaningful relationships. Thus, our focus should be on developing real life relationships instead of virtual ones. We need to learn to spend lesser time with our electronic devices and more time with actual humans in order to cultivate and nurture lasting friendships.

People who believe they lack quality friendships in their lives should make a resolution which pushes them to make an effort to form more effective and lasting friendships by prioritising them and engaging in meaningful and enjoyable activities with their friends.

So get your face away from your screen, leave the house and meet your friends. Tell them what’s important to you; show them that you value them more than your phone.

The post Why people today depend on lazy virtual friendships and Facebook ‘likes’ appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.

Mr.Trump began his presidential bid by branding Mexican immigrants as rapists and criminals. This is the man who has called various women disgusting and grotesque. According to him “Islam hates us”. Previously he has said that he wanted a “temporary shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.” I find this so unfair to Muslims worldwide.

To me it is impossible to believe that Mr. Trump is unaware about the controversial nature of his campaign. I don’t think he really knows any Muslims personally; otherwise he would not make such outrageous claims. I don’t think that there is an accident from his side. I think he is doing everything absolutely intentionally, calculatedly, and purposely.

I dislike it when the Republican frontrunner makes such bizarre statements. His “authoritarian style” bothers me. I feel that he is running the most cynical campaign which is trafficking hate and fear, and playing to our public’s worst instincts. He relies on social media to spreads his views. This is convenient because there is no need for him to respond to questions about his fabrications. That makes it imperative that other form of media challenge him. It is hard to ignore his insulting behavior towards immigrants. It is disturbing, hurtful and frustrating to law abiding immigrants.

Mr. Trump’s hate campaign motivated me to dig into some details; how do Muslims find the United States as a place to live? The polls results are contrary to what Mr. Trump claims about Muslims. The key findings by the ISPU (Institute for Social Policy and Understanding) indicate that Muslims in America lean towards the Democratic Party. They are engaged with the community but less engaged politically. They are pious and patriotic and reject attacks on civilians. Mosque attendance is linked to civic engagement and not radicalization. And they are weary of discrimination but at the same time optimistic. The polls results – not surprisingly – are contrary to the Trump’s claims about Muslims. I think he is a childish man running for a job that requires maturity. To me he is simply doubling down on his anti-Muslim rhetoric to get applause from his supporters.

On the contrary I have learned that Muslims-Americans are disproportionately peaceful and value the American way of life. They are generally well integrated. It is fascinating that the majority of Muslims are flourishing, showing remarkable upward mobility. They are hard workers with strong families and a passion for education.

No doubt Mr. Trump is utterly lying about everything and his campaign can be best explained in terms of substance abuse. He is not winning over affluent and educated people. However he is addicted to attention, demanding regular fixes and going to ever greater lengths in terms of reckless statements and provocative acts. He represents those voters who have relatively low levels of education, achievement and information, and are not engaging and focusing on details. They have suffered lost jobs, lost wages, and lost dreams. The American system is not working for them, so naturally they’re looking for something else. They think that Trump knows their pain, even though he really does not. The truth is that they’re suffering from a delusion. Trump is clearly leading them in a wrong direction. And yet the reality is that he does not have the courage and imagination to change the country for the better. To me Mr. Trump is simply a weak and insecure candidate. He will not challenge the system to get better. He is overpromising his supporters. My guess is that his supporters have a big surprise coming. I understand Trump’s supporter’s feelings and I think that they deserve respect, but Trump is not the right choice for them or for America.

My understanding about Mr. Trump is that he is one of the most unqualified and dishonest presidential candidates in American history. Everyone of America’s previous 44 presidents have had either some form of government or military experience before being sworn in. Trump is a real estate mogul and former reality-television star, and has not served a day in public office or in the armed forces. The truth is that he has no experience and substance to serve the country. He is not a suitable candidate for the presidency of the United States.

I was imagining what his plan is to make America great again. Does he intend to make America great by simply getting rid of everything that is great about America; its values, it’s diversity, and it’s openness. To me those are the strengths of America. Mr. Trump cannot make America great by employing the forces of division and discrimination that would divide America between us and them.

I know the concept of a Mr. Trump presidency is scary. He makes me angry, unhappy and uncomfortable. But I still think that I should not react too emotionally. It is not right and my faith does not allow it. I think under the circumstances my faith teaches me to maintain balance, optimism and make the right choice. I strongly feel that using a hate campaign will eventually naturally spoil Trump’s own brand.

There is no doubt that Trump’s Islamophobia is disturbing for Muslims. However I think it is time that Muslims-American play a proactive role within their community. They should be united instead of afraid of him. They need to choose optimism over fear, and hope over anger. Most importantly they need to be informed in order to create a strong and resilient society. They should spread positive messages and engage in an informed and positive conversation with everyone. That is what Islam teaches us.

The post Mr. Trump is being unfair with Muslims appeared first on A Taste of Pakistan in Fusion.